Jimmy Carter Wins Nobel Peace Prize
President Bush Demands Recount

By Gummi Bear, Jr.

	Photo: Laura Bush
	Woken up at 5 am by Chief of Staff Andy Card who informed him that Jimmy Carter had won the Nobel Peace Prize, Bush angrily lashed out against Sweden and declared it a member of the Axis of Evil (Editor's note: the Peace Prize is awarded by Norway, not Sweden)

WASHINGTON DC, October 11 -- It always starts with an early morning phone call. But this was a call the President both anticipated and feared. Privately, the President had confided to insiders that he didn't consider his chances as very good to win a Nobel Prize in any of the sciences, and after an all-night solesearching session with wife Laura had all but given up the idea of copping the prize in Literature. (According to Laura Bush, the clincher happened at 4:15 in the morning when she finally managed to get the President to accept her view that in order to win the Literature prize, you had to have written a book, not merely read one)

But the one Nobel Prize Mr Bush honestly felt he deserved, and had a good chance to be awarded, was the Peace Prize.

At a hastily convened staff meeting, Mr Bush frantically sought advice on how to limit the anticipated media spin and attention to be given to Jimmy Carter. Secondly, he summoned Colin Powell in an attempt to exhaust all diplomatic remedies before taking more drastic, overt measures. Mr Powell left shortly thereafter and is, as we go to press, on his way to Scandinavia on Air Force One.

Thirdly, he convened a task force with the objective of convincing the Nobel Peace Prize Committee that they "flat out had chosen the wrong Prez."

"Let's compare our accomplishments and point out to the Committee how wrong they are, and how unfair this is, just before the elections, to announce a Democratic ex-president as the World's most peaceful guy."

"While I am pursuing peace globally by eradicating all kinds of varmints, Jimmy Carter is building low-income housing in the Bronx which probably doesn't even meet local building codes. This is just so unfair, it makes me see red," the President whined.

"That moron been out of office for more than 20 years, now, and world leaders still talk about those dang Camp David Accords like they was the greatest accomplishingments in Palestinian-Israeli peace-mongering. Shucks, I spend more time and effort ensuring lasting peace in the Middle East in ONE DAY than Jimmy did in his entire lifetime."

"Another thing, Jimmy Carter goes down to Cuba and almost singlehandedly brings that commie outpost into the capitalistic fold - and he gets HUGE headlines. Meanwhile, I am back here in Washington, running the Government, shuttling aides back and forth into the shadow-government, so that in case of a terror attack we have some semblance of law and order, and what do I get for that?? -- Nothing, zip, nada. It just ain't right."

"There ain't no more peace-loving guy than me, and I am fixin' to cram that fact down their collective throats. Compared to those war-mongering zealots in my Cabinet, like Dickie, Connie and Rummy, I am the only voice of reason, the one solid fence post the whole rest of the world can hang their hats on. Don't those committee members read the papers??"

"I want to know the names of each committee member, and how they voted. I bet you we will find that the French and Russian judges conspired to keep me out of the running, just like they did in that Harding deal when that bitch hit the pretty skating queen acrost the knees."

Reminded of the fact that he had his skating events mixed up, the President angrily retorted, "Whatever!! - You know what I am talking about."

"Maybe we can give a whole new meaning to the term 'Oslo Accord' - that abomination which Clinton always takes credit for," he added with a devilish smirk.

WASHINGTON DC

Bush, Finding Little International Support for Regime Change in Iraq and Ouster of Saddam Hussein
Changes Focus to Skating Scandal - French Skating Judge Now Public Enemy # 1

President Bush, deeply disappointed that the same international fraternity which rallied around his father's invasion of Iraq ("II-1") now show such apparent reluctance to follow in GW Bush's footsteps for the planned Second Invasion of Iraq ("II-2") prior to this year's elections, has dropped Saddam Hussein as Public Enemy # 1 and found a promising replacement candidate in Ottavio Cinquanta, the president of the International Skating Union ("ISU")

According to White House staffers who attended a policy meeting this morning, Mr. Bush expressed disdain and great annoyance at the NATO member nations for their coolness towards II-2.

"You can drag a horse to water," the President is reported to have said, "but if the jackass ain't thirsty you cain't force him to drink. I've just about had it up to here with those Euraponatian countries".

"Heck, even Tony Blair is only lukewarm - and that Schroeder - that's just a disgrace".

"We gotta find us a cause which not only tugs at the heart strings of our citizenry, but also will make our NATO allies carry the torch and share in the load and rally behind us and show that I am the leader of the mightiest nation on earth".

"Now that poor gal being beaten up by what's-her-name Harding - there's a story which will not fall on deaf ears. And then the scandal of them French judges throwing the gold medal to the Russkis - another cause celebre for our foreign allies".

"Got that - cause celebre - that's a french word for favorite thing - I learnt that in vocabulary class yesterday. Did I pronounce it right, Dick?"

"We don't need the votes of the French or the Russians anyway, but the way I look at it, the rest of the world is pretty miffed over these things too - and we can easily wrap this thing up before November 5".

The decision having been made, Federal investigators initiated a massive probe of the Salt Lake Olympic figure-skating scandal and have begun intensively interviewing key international skating officials.

Three officials — Ron Pfenning, Jon Jackson and Sally Stapleford — confirmed that they had been interviewed for at least three hours each by FBI agents and members of the U.S. attorney's office in New York. Pfenning and Jackson said investigators also plan to interview other international witnesses when they arrive for events such as Skate America next month and the world championships in March.

"They're very interested in getting the dirt on (ISU President Ottavio) Cinquanta and very interested in Didier (Gailhaguet, the banned French federation president)," said Jackson, an ISU judge.

"They were very interested in what happened at the Olympics," said Pfenning. "They certainly want the top officeholder to hang dry."

An FBI spokesman declined comment.

A woman who answered the phone at Cinquanta's house said he was not available to comment. Gailhaguet has declined all interviews.

The controversy that started at the Salt Lake Olympics grew into a worldwide investigation leading to the arrest of a reputed Russian mobster in Italy in July. Based on wiretaps, U.S. officials allege that Alimzhan Tokhtakhounov conspired to fix skating competitions at the Olympics. Italian officials have received t for his extradition.

Jackson and Stapleford both were witnesses to the outburst of French judge Marie-Reine Le Gougne the night of the pairs long program in Salt Lake City, when Le Gougne said she was pressured to vote for the Russian pair over the Canadians. Jackson and Stapleford went public with their statements. Stapleford subsequently lost her re-election bid for technical committee chair, being replaced by Russian Alexander Lakernik.

Said Jackson: "These interviews with the FBI and the U.S. attorney's office give me hope that some of the bad players in figure skating will be investigated and removed from the sport."