United States forms its own United Nations organization

"Old" UN had outlived its usefulness, Pentagon asserts

WASHINGTON, DC—Frustrated with the United Nations' "consistent, blatant regard for the imposed will of its 188 member nations", and still steamed by the attitude of the "Old Europe" countries' recent refusal to grant the United States Government carte blanche in deciding how to rid Iraq of its WMD, the U.S. announced Wednesday the formation of its own international governing body, the U.S.U.N.

"The U.N. has repeatedly demonstrated an inability to act decisively in carrying out actions the U.S. government deems necessary," U.S.U.N. Secretary General Colin Powell said. "Every time we tried to get something accomplished, it inevitably got bogged down in procedural policies, partisan politics, bureaucratic formalities, and Security Council votes."

"The makeup of the old UN, with powerful positions of influence being accorded to nations like France and Germany is living proof that the UN was an anachronism waiting to explode into World War III," intoned Dick Cheney, a U.S. delegate to the U.S.U.N. "How dare these tiny nations raise 'national interest' concerns of their own, when their economies amount to nothing more than what we Americans consider 'rounding errors' in our own market economy."

"It was humiliating to have our national 'manhood' stripped by a few uppity African or South American nations as the entire rest of the world watched. And besides, it got too damn costly to continue to pour economic aid in ever increasing amounts down these 'small country' sink holes. As soon as we paid them off to ensure cooperation, there they'd be, with their hands out for more aid."

"I predict the U.S.U.N. will be extremely influential in world politics in the coming decades," Powell continued. "In fact, you can count on it taking a leadership position like no other international body has ever done, to this date."

	US Delegates to the U.S.U.N. during inaugural meeting

The new organization will be based in Houston, occupying the headquarters building of former energy giant, Enron. The U.S.U.N. Charter, ratified unanimously by delegates in a four-minute vote Wednesday, sets forth the mission of the organization as "the proliferation of war and/or peace and international economic, social, and humanitarian progress through deference to the U.S. - and is aimed at maintenance of the hegemony which has so well suited the christian, civilized world during the past two years."

"The U.S.U.N. resembles the original in almost every way, right down to all the flags outside our headquarters," said Condoleezza Rice, a U.S. delegate to the U.S.U.N. "Of course, the flags represent the states in the Union, so we only needed 50 flag poles."

"Wait a minute, wait a minute," piped in George Bush. "This new venture is not just American - we intend to give it an international flavor, by also inviting certain foreign countries into our midst."

"For instance, we are considering allowing Great Britain into the organization, on a provisional membership basis," he added, "and Texas right now is considering whether its membership should be based on its statehood, or as a foreign country. Most of our sister states feel more like Texas is a foreign country. That's ok with me, long as they let us in and permit us to vote."

"This organization will carry out peacekeeping missions all over the world," added Dr. Rice, "but, unlike the U.N., these missions will not be compromised by the threat of opposition by lesser nations with evil agendas or phony, do-good domestic organizations intending to leverage their liberal objectives off the strong back of the international body."

"The foremost objective of our humanitarian efforts is to eliminate, on a global basis, such virulent scourges as AIDS, malaria, teenage promiscuity and premarital sex. In joint efforts with our preferred missionary organizations, we will also launch a global effort to eradicate the 'biggest child killer' of them all, birth control."

In its first act, the U.S.U.N. Security Council unanimously ratified a resolution to 'encourage and permit the United States, together with its ever-growing coalition of puppet-state allies, to liberate Iraq's people and natural resources from the rule of Saddam Hussein' and declared void any attempts by the now defunct predecessor organization to try US officials as war criminals for invading Iraq without formal UN sanction.

It also dissolved the International Court of Crimes and issued a proclamation lauding President Bush for his unstinting and noble effort to rid the world of evil monsters, while at the same time declaring that he was one of them.

"We gave the old U.N. a go for I don't know how many years, but it just wasn't working," said Dick Cheney. "Really, I have no idea what we were doing sacrificing all that power and autonomy in exchange for a couple of lousy troops from Sweden."

Added Cheney: "I can't tell you how much easier it is to achieve consensus when you don't have to worry about dissent."

"Besides, the new U.S.U.N. will envigorate and give new meaning to the concept of economic sanctions. We now know that economic sanctions never really worked under the old UN auspices. Too many cooks spoiled the broth. Take, as an example, the attempted sanctions against Iraq. Every Tom, Dick and Harry nation cheated, and they all connived to get a piece of the action."

"Once the U.S.U.N. is in control, we will effectively be able to shut out any foreign power that attempts to evade the sanctions. If goods or services are going to find their way in through the backdoor, by God let us make sure they all have American origin," grinned the ebullient Secretary of Commerce of the U.S.U.N. Don Evans who, coincidentally, holds the same position in the US government.

Cheney, along with Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, and George W. Bush, make up four of the five permanent members of the 15-person U.S.U.N. Security Council. The fifth member is the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, currently General Tommy Franks.

"The five Security Council members have veto power to block U.S.U.N. resolutions for military action," Rumsfeld said. "Not that anyone would, but it's nice to have, nonetheless. And it is a good point to argue when we invade countries in the future."

"Being able to assert that our military action was supported unanimously by the U.S.U.N. Security Council, carries a lot of weight in the international sphere. We learned that lesson with Resolution 1441."

According to Powell, in spite of the fact that delegates hail from every corner of the U.S., General Assembly meetings have been refreshingly free of rancor.

"We've got Bill Frist from Tennessee, Tom DeLay from Texas, and Dennis Hastert from way up in Illinois," U.S.U.N. delegate Rick Santorum said. "Despite the diverse backgrounds of the delegates, cooperation has not been a problem—unlike the chaos which existed at some outmoded, gridlocked international peacekeeping bodies I could name."

"That's another thing," interrupted George Bush. "The UN was a babe in the woods when it came to things like food distribution for hungry folks over in Somalia. They'd just open the rear gate of their trucks and let the massed hordes help themselves. You'd see kids carry off enough food for several families. The result would be that ten percent of the population would steal 90 per cent of the handouts. That may work ok in the United States, but in a poor country like Somalia, you need military personnel with M-14s to ensure that nobody gets more than what he is entitled to. These are the kinds of things the U.S.U.N. will be good at. Much better than any so-called global charity."

"Moreover," the president intoned, "the new U.S.U.N. can show the world how to install democracy in Iraq. I am talking about a true democracy, where it doesn't much matter if you are rich or poor. Once the Iraquians get to that point, then the next step for them is to grow into the kind of country we have in the United States."

The U.S.U.N. will be funded entirely by tax cuts, with corporate sponsorships expected to provide about $100 million annually. "Our budget will only be a fraction of what the old U.N. cost us - for one thing, we can get rid of all those translators. Who needs them when every delegate speaks perfectly good English," an ebullient George Bush added. "Now I can understand what everybody says, and keep up with the conversation, most likely."

"Besides, now that Tony Blair and I have reduced the importance of the old UN to zilch, we certainly do not expect to pay any future UN dues, or any of our past due obligations, for that matter.

The official U.S.U.N. language will be English while the officially sanctioned religion will be Christian Evangelism.

All delegates have been provided General Motors Humvee vehicles to drive on official business, and have all been issued EXXON credit cards. Boeing, Raytheon,GM, EXXON, Fox News and the Heritage Foundation are the principal sponsors of the organization.

Lastly, all permanent delegates have been issued press credentials so that they can participate, as embedded journalists, in any U.S.U.N. armed conflict of their own choosing.

"We all are just dying to participate, up front, in our future peace missions. I am really into that gory stuff," said a highly agitated Paul Wolfowitz. "I have never served in the armed forces, only been an adviser to them. Armed conflicts are just like arcade games, but much better. They are like 'Virtual Reality'. Once you experience the adrenaline rush of front line action, there just isn't anything like it. Life without it, is so shallow."