Belgium To Launch Preemptive Strike Against United States

As European Union Swells to 25 Nations and 445 Million Inhabitants, Smaller Nations Gain Courage To Challenge Attempted World Dominance by the United States

	Prime Minister Verhofstadt being congratulated by Italian Foreign Minister Prodi on historic speech

Washington, DC, December 13 -- Spurred by reports of an aggressive military buildup, failure to rein in corporate terrorists, and recent information increasingly depicting the United States as the rogue supplier of materials used by 'Axis-of-Evil' countries to manufacture weapons of mass destruction, the government of Belgium is pressing for a preemptive strike against the regime of George W. Bush.

"We cannot sit idly by and eat our delicious chocolates while the United States government engages in a policy of global arms domination while also imposing its totalitarian values and prejudices on the civilized world, and shockingly, has been caught applying a double standard to the issue of hunting down weapons of mass destruction," Belgian Prime Minister Guy Verhofstadt said in a nationally-televised address to the Belgian people. "Now is the time for action. We cannot waffle."

Recent reports from Belgian intelligence sources indicate that the United States is now in possession of 98 per cent of the entire Earth's available supply of weapons of mass destruction - chemical, biological and nuclear. "We know that the United States has nuclear weapons and that they have actually used them in the past," intoned the Prime Minister." There is no reason to think they will not use them in the future."

"The recent 12,000 page declaration by Iraq to the United Nations also makes it eminently clear that the vast majority of materials, whether it be equipment, or raw materials of a chemical or biological nature, were supplied by the United States to Iraq at a time when Iraq was on the "Friends of Dubya's Daddy's list" - indeed when the United States bent over backwards to assist its then Iraqi ally to overthrow the evil government of Iran."

"In the minds of all who have access to the newly released intelligence information, the United States stands alone, at the top of the heap, as a proliferator of WMD, and looms, given the radical and belligerent personality of its dictator, as the largest threat to humanity."

"Our intelligence sources tell us that the American dictator is about to experiment with smallpox toxin, applicable to large proportions of its trusting and ignorant population, in a program reminiscent of other US presidents, at different times of war, exposing innocent civilians or soldiers to nuclear radiation, sexually transmitted diseases, or worse."

"It is time to pull that man from his high horse, drag him down from his bully-pulpit, and blow him right out of his western saddle," the Prime Minister added defiantly.

Verhofstadt is insisting that United Nations weapon inspectors be given "unfettered access to the massive stockpiles" of weapons located within the US borders, and that they be destroyed immediately. "The UN inspectors should have unrestricted access to all government palaces, including the White House, Blair House, the Vice President's official home, Camp David and the Crawford pig farm, as well as all CIA, FBI and Homeland Security offices," he insisted.

"Moreover, we want a comprehensive list of all offices designated as being in use by the so-called 'Shadow Government' - information which is being kept from even high-ranking American government officials, and certainly, the entire civilian population. We also wish to encourage the weapons inspectors to offer political asylum in Europe to anyone in the United States who might have knowledge of the whereabouts of such secret installations but would remain silent in morbid fear of presidential persecution in the event they felt the moral compunction to come clean while still on US territory, and therefore within the jurisdictional reach of John Ashcroft."

We stand at the crossroads," pleaded Verhofstadt. "Either the United States agrees to our demands, or we will be forced to dust the powdered sugar off our hands, kick off our wooden shoes, put our weekend military reserve uniforms on, and lead the world to bring about a permanent regime change in the land of the Übermensch. Remember, my fellow Walloons and Flemings, the current government in Washington was elected in direct contravention of the will of the American people. Regime change will be warmly welcomed by their citizens, especially if undertaken before the American dictator commences his forced mass-inoculation scheme."

Reaction to the speech throughout Europe was swift. "We stand with our Belgian brothers," offered French President Jacques Chirac. "France is willing to commit thirty-five Gendarmes and many cases of fine champagne to the cause. We cannot stand on the sidelines enjoying our delicious baguettes while our comrades in Brussels go it alone. Let me assure the dear Prime Minister, that France is with you, almost."

Russian President Vladimir Putin did not mince any words. "Again, it is the powerful Belgians who must lead the world against aggression and American hegemony. Russia stands with her European allies and insists that the United States disarm unilaterally. I only wish that we too had delicious foods."

Following the speech, the mood at the White House was one of defiance. "Let the Belgians make their empty threats," said White House spokesman Ari Fleischer. "We are urging Hershey's and Mars and other fine American chocolate makers to increase their output by 200% in the coming weeks. We intend to break up the evil Belgian chocolate cartel once and for all."

Vice President Dick Cheney was even more bellicose. Speaking from directly underneath Karl Rove in an undisclosed underground bunker, the Vice President warned of dire consequences should Belgium launch a preemptive strike. "We are prepared to strike back with countervailing and brutal force," said Cheney. "That lightweight brigade of Belgian sugar puffs is going to be blown away like a ball of West Texas tumbleweed in a Force 5 tornado."

"The Belgians cannot bully us. They may be the world's only confectionery superpower, but we here in America have God on our side. He is our Sugardaddy. To hell with their cherished chocolate treats. God bless the American people!"

"Besides, if I stop stuffing my face with chocolate, I may actually survive for two more years and be present for Dubya's second coronation," the Vice President concluded with a glint of a tear in his eye.

Verhofstadt, while unyielding in tone and substance, did offer the Americans a plausible way out. "I call upon George W. Bush to capture Sheikh Kenneth Lay, Mullah Fastow, Imam Kozlowski, and the entire Worldcom terrorist organization, and to hand them over to the International Criminal Court in Haag, Netherlands. The United States can no longer harbor agents of international financial terrorism. You are either with us or against us."

Back in Washington, the Joint Chiefs of Staff and National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice, assembled around a large illuminated globe, were eagerly pointing out to the President the location of a tiny but mighty powerful country named Belgium.