March 11, 2003.

On the one year anniversary of our announcement of the initial color-coded terror alert system, we are pleased to announce the introduction of our Improved, Industrial Strength Terror Alert System, designed jointly by the Department of Justice, the Department of Homeland Security, and a newly formed Coalition of Responsible, Eagerly Participating Patriotic Sponsors (CREPPS), some of our country's leading corporate citizens.

This new system is a vast improvement over the previous scheme which suffered from a lack of norms of appropriate nervous behavior by a public not trained at the fine art of reading between the lines whenever changes in the alert level were introduced.

With sponsors such as General Electric (owner of NBC news and a partner in the MSNBC online news service), as well as Microsoft and AOL-TimeWarner, we can assure ourselves that the dissemination of alert level changes will take place rapidly and efficiently, and that news commentators will be able to give assessment of the underlying threats to terrified viewers instantaneously.

By also relying on the combined instant messenging capabilities of AOL and MSN, we also can insure ourselves that the other half of our citizens, those shunning the lame radio and television news, also will be instantaneously apprised of changes in the nationally recommended terror alert level.

The intent of the system is to introduce a common vocabulary so that the civilian population can remain in sync with the Government's new experimentation with the concept of inter-agency cooperation and remain at a high confidence level that the United States Government is utilizing the $30,000,000,000 budget of Homeland Defense in a caring and responsible manner to ensure that the entire population remains appropriately relaxed and unconcerned while also retaining the requisite 'vigilance' level.

Not insignificantly, the sponsorship fees derived from our corporate sponsors will go a long way towards putting a dent in our Government's anticipated $550,000,000,000 deficit for the coming fiscal year.

Alert Color	Government Terror Gauge	Product Recommendations By the United States Government	Corporate Sponsor of Individual Tiers
	"Green" signifies a credible but non-specific terror threat	Glade™ Air Freshener Aspirin	SC Johnson Bayer Pharmaceutical
	"Blue" signifies more than just one credible rumor which could be construed as to involve terror	Bandaid™ strips Alleve™	Johnson & Johnson Merck Pharmaceutical
	"Yellow" signifies up to several confirming, specific threats albeit non-specific as to type, location or time	Scotch Tape™ Saran Wrap™ Valium™	Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing (3M) Proctor & Gamble Bristol-Meyer
	"Orange" signifies up to several confirmed threats with some specificity as to place, timing and extent of threat. These threats could be, for example, newly discovered Anthrax letters, or unmanned drones flying over the nation's capital.	Duck Tape™ Dupont™ Plastic sheeting (MILspec: 80 guage) Budweiser™	Henkel Consumer Adhesives DuPont Budweiser Corporation
	"Red" signifies the highest Terror Alert Level. Essentially, it means the gig's up. The United States Government has caught some evildoers red-handed, or has stumbled upon a computer with a terror plot fully detailed and in progress.	Industrial Plywood Industrial Strength Exterior Caulk Chivas Regal™ Scotch	Weyerhouser Georgia Pacific Dupont Seagram Corporation
Program Sponsors	General Electric, Microsoft, AOL-TimeWarner (authorized sponsors of all 5 terror levels)
Trademark Notice	The product names referred to above are the registered trademarks of their respective owners.

Sale of Lapel Pin Sets

• Individual lapel pins can be purchased, a la carte, for $2.50 a pin
• The Optimist Collection consisting of the pins representing the three lowest levels of terror alert, for $6.95
• The Pessimist Collection consisting of the pins representing the four highest levels of terror alert, for $8.95
• The Weatherman Collection consisting of all five pins, for $13.95
• The Full Monty Collection consisting of all five pins, plus attractively framed portraits of Mr. Bush, Mr. Cheney, Mr. Ashcroft, Mr. Rumsfeld, Guv'nor Ridge, and Condoleezza Rice, all for $19.95
• The Existentialist Collection containing no pins at all, but instead includes attractively framed portraits of the nine US Supreme Court Justices, for $16.95
• The Faith-Based Collection consisting of the visages of Jesus Christ, His Mom and Dad, and three I'm Proud To Be A Religious Zealot buttons, depicting the mugs of Osama Bin Laden, Sadam Hussein and Wesley Clark, with a superimposed X acrosst their faces.